It's time to get real

| | Comments (2)

I woke up this morning with a big ol’ ucky knot in my stomach. It is not surprising—last night, Rick and I had a spontaneous talk about the things in our life together that need healing. Naturally, what came out is all the stuff that you like to keep out of your consciousness because they are uncomfortable to look at. Now, I’m more intrepid than most at facing things, but even I have a hard time looking at the parts of me that are so deeply rooted in childhood messages of incompetency that I have diminished ability to deal with them rationally.

Case in point, finances. Now, it’s not that I haven’t spent time analyzing my money wounds—I have. I can tell you that I was reared by a loving, but controlling, father who was secretive about money, ostensibly, because he didn’t want us to be burdened with financial facts, but also, because, I believe, he liked the power of keeping it to himself (and who doesn’t like to feel more control in this world that is so uncontrollable?). The unspoken message I received? The programming that I internalized and still operate from? “It’s safer not to know the financial realities.” I can tell you that every time I came up with a financial crisis in my life, instead of empowering me to figure it out and handle it myself, my dad bailed me out. The unspoken message? “You are not competent to handle this yourself. You need someone wiser to handle it for you.” So I have spent most of my life to this point not wanting to know the reality of finances. I have been afraid of money stuff. The problem with that is that money is repelled by fear. And I, like everyone, could really use a free-flowing stream of money!

It would seem that it is time to finally come up with a way to heal this. More than anything else in this world, I want the message of Recreating Eden to get out to the world, and that means selling the book. Selling the book means making money. So in order for this to work, I need to stop repelling money, which means I need to transcend my fears around money and start living in reality about money. To do this, I need to shift some belief systems such as, “It’s better not to know about money.” “If I don’t know how much money there is or isn’t, I’ll feel better.” “I am not competent to handle money.”

I also should say that I’m not blaming this on my dad. It is not his fault that I have not dealt with this. It is my responsibility for changing any childhood programming that isn’t working for me. And let me tell you, it isn’t working for me! My unreality around money is affecting my relationship with Rick because he has been bearing the psychic burden of our financial ill health mostly alone (though it is not true that I haven’t been feeling it—I have just not been the one willing—till now—to stare the numbers in the face.) NOT that Rick is angry with me about this—it’s just clear that it’s time for us to get our financial ducks in a row, and for that to happen, I need to do some maturing and some “spiritual warrioring.”

So, to begin with, I was guided to dig up a book that we bought years ago and never used. It’s The Energy of Money by Maria Nemeth. I opened it today and it was bookmarked at the first page of the introduction and when I read that page, I knew the time was right. I also placed a hold on a copy of the book at the library so that we can both be using the book at the same time. I’m hoping that working with the book will help me deal with this at an energy level instead of purely at an emotional level. What it feels like to me is the linchpin in a whole bunch of self-worth, power-claiming issues. I know it is time to claim my power, and that I cannot do that at the same time that I am disowning my responsibility and power around money. This ought to be interesting!



Bookmark and Share



Jan said:

I really had to laugh because AGAIN I see that we are very similar. My Father passed away 5 years ago leaving around 4 million. My mother is in Boston at a Alzhimers center. My sister lives in Boston and she is the executrix of his estate. She has been doing a great job making sure that our mother is being taken care of. My father was like your father in that he was secretive about his finances. He never left me with any confidence in dealing with anything , not just money.
But ahh, the Mayan Calender explains that they were born in the time of the conciouness of POWER. We are now in the conciouness of Ethics. So yes,Julia you are right in saying that we need to not blame our fathers.
I have been working at a day care for months since my trip to Egypt.
I get paid every two weeks and I am barely having gas money to keep going back and forth to work. My husband is working sporadically but not as he was when I married him three years ago. I got this job because I knew that I could get it right away. We had no money.I will not see getting any more money until January from my Fathers Estate.
The babies love me and I always use every chance to be a light worker.
I get along with all the women (which my boss is amased ) and show love and joy.
I am a artist and was a singer /guitarest for 32 years. Since I have been working at the day care I hardly have the energy to be creative.We need the money to much for me to quit and try to doing it with my creativeness.
Let me know how the book helps. I did raise three children without child support or help from my father. (I was always to proud to ask.)But I do think that I have blockages concerning the energy of money.I really get tired of people saying"" If I had your talents I'd be rich etc.....""
Always love your blog by the way.
Much love to you dear, Janet

Julia said:

Hi, Janet--
The sense I got when I read this is that you have created this situation so that you can be a blessing through the day care situation--something you might not do if you did not need the money.
It reminds me of well-known astrologer Steven Forrest's theory that God has an ""A team,"" and a ""B team."" The A-team folks know early on what they are going to be and they pursue that with a single focus, like the 8 year old who knows he is going to be a fireman and that's what he grows up to be, and retires as a fireman. But the B-team is made up of flexible, multi-talented people, that God sends in to do whatever is needed. I am a B-team person, and it sounds like you are, too. (Of course, my understanding of who and what ""God"" is is a little different than the foregoing sounds, but I think the gist is clear!)
At any rate, I will report on the book as soon as I am well into it!

Leave a comment

Where To From Here?

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Julia published on June 23, 2005 4:01 AM.

Summer is here, and I'm spring cleaning! was the previous entry in this blog.

Further studies on the ego and joy is the next entry in this blog.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.