Recently in Soulmate/relationship Category
Today is Rick's birthday, and I'm feeling overwhelming appreciation that he decided to show up on the planet when he did! Interestingly (or, at least, it's interesting to me!), he was born 23 days and five minutes sooner than I was, in a town about 60 minutes from where I was. He was born in Chapel Hill, NC, on the UNC campus and I was born in Lexington, NC.
That wouldn't be all that interesting except that when I met Rick, I was in North Carolina and he was in Colorado. We were both 43 at that time.We met online and for the first couple of weeks of our online friendship, I had no idea that he had NC roots--that his parents descended from generations of North Carolinians. I, on the other hand, am the daughter of NC newbies--my family has only been there for 60 years or so.
I always imagine that we were buddies in another realm and decided it would be fun to incarnate on Earth. I see the conversation as going something like this:
I say, "Look--it promises to be a grand adventure and all, but I'm not all that sure about it--could you please go first and check things out to be sure it's okay?"
And then Rick says, "I'd do anything for you, baby!" and leaps into the abyss, finding himself in a cradle in North Carolina (definitely God's country). He sends a message, "It's OOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKK...come on down!" And so I wait till the timing is perfect, and I leap, too, finding myself blown off course a little so that I end up in a body in a cradle in a town not too far away, but just far enough that we don't find each other for quite some time.
Okay. A fantasy. But it does feel we were destined, even if it took more than 4 decades and a lot of mileage to find each other again.
I actually started writing this because I wanted to pay tribute to Rick's wonderfulness. He's not only my lover and best friend, he's like the big brother I always dreamed of having--you know, the one that takes care of you and protects you and gives you really good advice and helps you remember who you are, putting you in your place when needed!.
Here is a list of just some of the things I love about Rick besides that he is devoted to me and is always doing things to make my life richer, more fun, and easier. He's:
- mine! (okay--so no one belongs to another, but you know what I mean!)
Happy Birthday, my love!
You may have guessed by now that I love looking over the Web stats for ILiveInEasyWorld.com and for JuliaRogersHamrick.com. One of the most interesting things it tells me in about 75% of cases is the link that brought a visitor to the site.
From time to time, I see that someone did a Google search to find out about the split between Kenny Loggins and his former wife, Julia, who divorced in 2004. Google points them to my blog because of my account of Rick's and my "Soulmate Saga," which began when we, living a thousand miles apart and not knowing of each others' existence, found each other because of the book they wrote together about their relationship titled The Unimaginable Life. Reading it is, literally, what connected us, and Rick and I married in 1999. Without going into detail (you can do that by doing a search here on the blog for "soulmate saga"), we had both read the book, been truly inspired by it, and interacted on the Kenny Loggins website where there was a forum to discuss the book. The rest is history.
I will always be grateful for that book and for the Love that inspired them to write it. It launched me into my own unimaginable life. And while, from an ego level, I would have loved it if they had stayed together and not divorced, it takes not one iota away from the true inspiration and immense blessings I have received from their having been together and sharing their intimate process. Nor does it mean that what is in the book is any less valuable. Their being divorced now is not a problem unless you are trying to model a relationship on theirs instead of simply using it as inspiration--taking what fits for you and leaving the rest according to your inner guidance.
I find it pretty humorous that human beings consider a relationship a failure if it does not conform to our very human ideas of "forever." I have no idea what other blessings--and I'm guessing they are mulititudinous--their relationship has bestowed on humanity, but that it brought Rick and me together and created such a powerful support for me to do the work that I do is huge. The heartfelt "thank-you"s I receive on a regular basis for doing what I do, supported in every way by Rick, are inumerable. Do you think those people feel less blessed and appreciative because Kenny and Julia are divorced? I can hardly consider that those two following their own paths forward, divergent though they be, is anything but exactly right!
So if you found yourself here, following a Google hit for the divorce of Kenny and Julia Loggins, consider this: You never truly know the whys and wherefores of the workings of Heaven, so best to simply accept that all is as it should be, regardless of how it may look, and trust that everything is in Divine Order.
To read how Rick and I met via Unimaginable Life, read my blog entry, The Red Diamond
My last entry in the Soulmate Saga was April 2006. A little sluggish with adding them, but better late than never! I was moved to write #9 now because Rick and I have started a blog "Creating A Loving Relationship," and we are telling our story there, little by little, through reposting what we've already put on this blog (if you haven't read the prior entries, just put "soulmate saga" in the search window and a list of them will come up) and adding on.
We're not ready to make a grand announcement about the new blog because there is much we want to do before it matches our vision for it, but since you're already my loyal blog reader, I thought you might enjoy checking it out! And, for now, we're offering comments on relationship questions, so if you'd like our insight, feel free to post your questions in the comments section there!
Okay--on with #9
Now that the way was made clear for us to be together from the standpoint of no relationship complications, I suddenly felt something entirely new to me: I had attracted a completely available man! And that meant I needed to be completely available to him! Yikes! That both exhilarated and terrified me at the same time. But by this point, I was so in love with Rick that I knew I'd do whatever it took to work through my fear.
The first obstacle that arose--if you can even call it that, based on my determination to plow through anything that might be in our way-- was location. I was in North Carolina, and he was in Colorado. But there was no doubt where we'd need to be if we were going to bring this relationship into 3-D, real life. Because Rick had young children in Denver (at the time, the four girls were 5, 7, 9, and 11 respectively), and because I would not possibly stand for him being an absentee dad, nor would he, I would be moving to Colorado.
For some, the chance to move to Colorado would have been a dream-come-true...but not for me. Unlike so many folks I knew, I had never felt deeply called westward. I had never been prone to romantic notions of the West, nor attracted by the supposedly more spiritual vibe present west of the Mississippi that I had heard much talk about. Yes--at one point, several years before, I had considered a possible move to Santa Fe because of it's arts community (at the time, I was very focused on my collage work), but was very torn at the idea of leaving the lush, verdant Southeast to live somewhere dry and brown. My longing was for somewhere even greener, even warmer, even more humid--I could feel the tropics calling. When I had an astro-locality reading around that time, the man reading my chart was very adamant that I would have way too many challenges in Santa Fe to be happy. In fact, he advised, I needed to stay away from that longitude altogether as my Pluto IC line ran right through it, connoting some place that would be highly transformative but in painful ways. Guess what other city is on my Pluto line? Yep. Denver. At the time, I had vowed to stay clear of it!
As my connection to Rick deepened before he had cut things off with "Susan," I had even rationalized the impossibility of us getting together and consoled myself about his unavailable status because of the Denver "problem." But there was another vow in place that superseded the declaration to avoid Denver and vicinity. I had long ago made a solemn pledge to Spirit that I would go wherever I was called to be, no matter what or where, as long as I was very clear it was my God-Self guiding me there. (This was before I had overcome the notion that spiritual sacrifice was a necessity!) And I was definitely feeling the call to Denver.
So, in my mind, choosing to be with Rick meant choosing to live in Denver. Now, remember--we had never seen each other in person before, but we had already entered so deeply into the space called "Us," there wasn't much question about continuing to follow the energy. As I pondered these things, one thing became clear: I had no choice. Okay--I had a choice, techically speaking, but according to my heart, I had no choice at all. Thus, I composed the following email to Rick:
There is something important that I want you to know...I am not telling you this in order to push the river, only that you will know what is going on with me. Do you remember the following melodramatic pronouncement cut and pasted from an October 28 message?
"I want to tell you something which helps me come to terms with the
parameters of our relationship. Yes, there's your committment to Susan.
But there is also something in the back of my mind that adds to my
understanding that our being more than friends at a distance is probably
not destined to be. You live in Colorado. You have children who are
important to you who live in Colorado. I have, at least at this time,
next to zero interest in living in Colorado! My aim is to be in warm
places--tropical would be nice--and the thought of living somewhere
where there are blizzards in October and more in May, sounds like a
recipe for terminal depression to me! So if we ever got together, we'd
have to have the kids and their mother move wherever we were! Since that
sounds a little impossible, and since you are in love with and have
plans with S, I know I'd better forget about any possibilities
other than the one we are exploring now. Love and friendship at a
distance! (See how adept my mind is at finding ways to assure my heart
of what can be, what cannot?)"
Well, just so you'll know, I would rather be in a blizzard and warm with you than in the blazing hot sun on the beach anywhere, without you. Because that would be much colder. No more artificial barriers. Just so you'll know.
Recognizing that Rick and Denver were a package deal, and most likely my destiny, it was time to set up a trip to Denver to meet my destiny face-to-face. And so, I began to research deals on airline tickets.
(next installment with Spirit moves me!)
Good grief. I truly did not mean to let so many months pass before I wrote another installment in the soulmate series! It's been since November that I wrote the 7th entry in the unfolding story, and I've been asked several times since to continue, with one person asking specifically about how Rick managed to break up with his girlfriend, so tonight I will add to the story at last.
So...as I left off last time, Rick and I were finally both on the same page with the knowing that we were in love and being powerfully drawn together, and Rick was knowing that he needed to break it off with...we'll call her "Susan" (not her real name). For him, it was really something terrifying to contemplate, as he had never broken up with anyone before. I, on the other hand, had a track record of breaking things off with men. Since the breakup of my first marriage, and learning the lesson of how much better it feels not to lie to yourself or to stay in a relationship where you're not fully able to be yourself and have the kind of emotional intimacy you really want, I'd never been inclined to stay in any relationship that was unhealthy. By the time I found Rick, I had lots of practice at taking my leave from men. So I was a bit perplexed at what the big deal was for him! But he is a very kind-hearted guy, and didn't want to hurt Susan.
I was eager for him to go ahead and do the deed, and, despite his trepidation, he was ready to just get it taken care of, but she got sick, and asked him not to come see her, much to Rick's chagrin, so his breaking up with her had to be postponed for a few days. In the meantime, we talked a lot about things, and I coached him to be lovingly honest and to visualize it going well. When at last (okay, it was only about a week, but a week at that point felt like months), she sent word that she was ready for him to come see her, I arranged to be at a girlfriend's house so that I wouldn't drive myself crazy wondering about it. I was really nervous for him, and prayed that she would take the news well and not be too hurt. Here is part of our email exchange from that day, Nov. 21, 1997:
I thank you for loving me, for being so open to my love, and for helping me see who I am capable of being.
I am so pleased with the progress you have made toward making tonight's duty clean, clear, and loving. I can feel your confidence and strength.
I'm pretty relaxed about it. For setting out to do something I have never done in my life, I'm surprisingly relaxed. All the visualizations and the talks we have had, as well as asking Spirit to be with me during this time, have made me as ready as I can be.
This is a blessed mission--a critical part of us becoming completely US without any unclarity to sully our union. As you know, (my inner child issues aside) it has always been somewhat of a cloud lurking in the background of this thing we call US, and after tonight, it will be cleared away, the integrity of US, complete.
I'm about 15 minutes from leaving for the Springs, and you know just what I need. The weather today--first the clouds coming in, then the sun peeking out, now the wind whipping up a bit, reminds me of the many possible outcomes tonight. All of them have one thing in common, and that is the very clarifying you refer to above. I look forward to that clarity and will hold the importance of it in my heart.
I am very glad that you understand that your being clear and being true to yourself (and to US) is ultimately a blessing to her as well. That will help you withstand the parts where you will see pain in her face. Temporary pain in exchange for her freedom to create something more appropriate for her. Growing pains. I will keep her particularly in my heart tonight.
I pray that she is able to feel the truth of this concept, as well. Growing pains... that will stick with me and come back when I need it, too. Thank you for your willingness to feel for her tonight!
And off he went. I expected it to be late when I heard from him, but was surprised when he called me a very short time after I knew he would have gotten to her house.
"It's done," he said, and proceeded to tell me that she had pretty much figured the whole thing out, and was expecting what happened--or at least, was prepared for it, and was not eager for him to hang around and hash things out, so she asked him to leave, which he did gladly. I was so relieved! I had braced myself for him to be really upset, with a possible report of her being really upset as well, but as it turned out, the whole episode was kind of anti-climactic since she had already intuited that it was over.
And then again--it was a spectacular moment, as we were finally free to be together! I'll stop here, and let Rick tell what he remembers of it from his perspective in the comments.
Today (as I write this, it's November 7) is the 8-year anniversary of a major turning point in Rick's and my early relationship (see the last installment to see what happened), so it seems fitting that I'd finally get around to adding a chapter to the "soulmate saga" today. This time of year, I'm inclined to go back into my files of "Rick mail" and enjoy that magical time again through our writings. He and I both kept every email that passed between us--and, in fact, we keep all the emails we exchange to this day!
As I read the ones from November 7th, 1997, (there are 13 from that day in my files--we were prolific!), it brings back the memories of how my willingness to sacrifice our relationship in order to be in integrity brought such immense energy and clarity and power. At first, even though he'd admitted he'd rather be with me, I was encouraging him to deal with his relationship so that if it was meant to continue, they could continue with integrity. Here are some snippets of our exchange that day:
Yes, OF COURSE you would rather be with me--for now I am the part of you you like the best about yourself. But sooner or later the "uutsy" parts of our relationship--the stuff which reflects what you like least about yourself--is bound to show up. Maybe this is the beginning of that period as I seem to have "lit up" a space in you which you did not want to look at--the part that is afraid of honesty's power to affect others.
It does not change what I know. That is the piece of my being afraid that I did not say on the phone last night. You are doing your best to help us get to a more stable, more buddy-based place to be, and I'm swallowing my tongue because I don't want to spoil the plan. Don't worry, I will do everything I can to be your buddy. I needed, this morning as I read your note, to say this, though. You are everything I never knew I always wanted.
I say this without fear you will think me conceited: I know that I am that to you. It is one reason why it has been frustrating for me that you had not, until last night, expressed any real doubts about your relationship with (girlfriend's name). It is too big a piece of reality to keep pretending about. It must be a factor in how you proceed with her, not that it needs to split you apart, but it is something which you need to look at about yourself and for yourself so that you can bring the truth of yourself into your relationship with her. And with me.
It was good to hear you admit that you feel scared about (girlfriend's) insecurities--I want you to be real with me--which is tantamount to being real with yourself. I am hoping that you will always remain honest with yourself and true to yourself when it comes to (girlfriend). It is the only way to help her. Loving her, but not giving up who you are to cater to her insecurities is the only way in the long run. You don't want to spend your life trying to convince someone of something that has to come from within her--that she is worthy. If she is not up to being really, really honest, then she is not--your relationship is not--what either of you need.
I know. And, more than anything, I'm scared of the hurt. Not for me... somehow, pain and I became so well-acquainted in my late teens and early twenties that I know I can handle it. I see too much hurt... too much pain, and my name right out front on the marquee: Pain, starring Rick Hamrick. This has always been the hardest thing for me to do: do what is right for me, knowing that it will hurt someone else. Instead, I try to avoid the infliction and take it on, myself.
Wow. He tries to be a super-hero. "I can withstand the pain! I will protect all from their feelings and their growth opportunities so that I won't have to bear the pain of seeing their pain!" I know you see the bogus-ness in that. The ironic part is their pain is going to be their pain in the end, just all saved up for them in a huge wallop instead of in manageable doses they can deal with as it comes...
If your relationship is really going to work past the first blush of discovery and fascination and infatuation, you had better--both of you be ready to give it all up at any minute in order to let the Truth have its way. That, in my opinion, is the only way your (or any other) relationship has any chance at all of being a Big-Love caliber relationship--which I know you are VERY capable of and ready for--at least that is my projection in the matter.
Indeed, he was ready. I will share how we got from the "Julia as buddy/relationship coach" phase, to the "We have GOT to be together" phase in the next installment.
How true the old saying is, "If you love something, let it go free. If it is yours, it will return to you..." I certainly found that out on Nov. 7, 1997. It's one of the most powerful lessons I ever learned. That--and that taking a stand for the truth--for integrity--is a gigantic frequency booster! I was one joyful woman that day! While I was coaching him about his relationship from a very clear space, I knew deep in my heart that he was my soulmate and that ours was "Big Love."
Did you even remember that I was telling the story of finding my soulmate? I sure got sidetracked--the last installment was May 2! Sorry about that! To review, you can plug "Finding My Soulmate" into the search box and it will bring up the links to the previous five installments. Anyhoo...
When last we left off, I had recognized that continuing the rapidly developing, not-just-platonic relationship with Rick was wrong, wrong, wrong in light of the fact that he was already very involved with a woman, and I had committed to myself not to be involved (again) with an unavailable man. Overcoming--at least temporarily--the powerful narcotic of love and desire, I had finally snapped out of it to the point that I realized I needed to stop what seemed to be a runaway train of deep emotion and powerful romantic feelings, and somehow either transform our relationship into a purely platonic friendship, or break off all contact. I also, lovingly but firmly, laid down the law about not being fully honest with his girlfriend. We could not continue to disregard the potential for hurt to her. Like a splash of icy water in the face, taking a stand had broken the spell for me.
Wow! I felt so much better! Though I did not know how this was going to work, standing firm for integrity felt powerfully right, and I had faith that I would somehow find a way to break free. The persistent mild nausea I had been experiencing for weeks cleared up instantly as I stopped trying to con myself! That sickly feeling I had been tolerating and pushing down in my consciousness--the all-too-familiar, bad feeling from being in love with someone that was not available, just evaporated. You know, selling out yourself is never, ever going to set right. You may get used to the way it feels, and you may be able to convince yourself at some level that it's okay, but truly, you can never really feel but so good when you are lying to yourself. And the truth is, if you don't have complete integrity with YOU, there's not a chance of having a healthy relationship with someone else. Rick and I had talked a lot about integrity, and while it seemed that it was vitally important to both of us, what it came down to for me was that if you don't have integrity in one area, you just don't have integrity overall. Part of what I had said to him in the "cold splash of water" was that he'd need to tell the girlfriend about our relationship, or we could not even be friends.
So I went to bed that night feeling better than I had in weeks, knowing I'd done the right thing, and that I would be rewarded by God for the sacrifice (see the last installment for that reference). And, sure enough, first thing the next morning I got my gift! Here (slightly edited to leave out parts that won't make sense to you) is the first email exchange of that day:
(Julia) I think we shifted something. I feel different! I feel better in a strange way--even if it is nothing but the honesty of coming to terms with what was really happening, it freed something up. I hope you feel better, too.
(Rick) I don't feel better, but I do feel more focused on who I am and where I'm headed... What is hardest for me (here I go again, into the "NO!! DON'T SAY THAT!" place) is the clear realization that I would rather be with you...You are doing your best to help us get to a more stable, more buddy-based place to be, and I'm swallowing my tongue because I don't want to spoil the plan. Don't worry, I will do everything I can to be your buddy. I needed, this morning as I read your note, to say this, though. You are everything I never knew I always wanted.
From here, things snowballed, and as Rick and I got more and more honest with ourselves and each other, taking a stand for openness and integrity on all levels, it became clear that we were willing to do whatever it took to be with each other. I will share some of what that entailed in the next installment, which I hope will not take as long for me to get to as this one did!
soulmate saga, part six
When I left off last time, I revealed the roots of the confounding pattern I had of being with unavailable men. And I told you how diligently I had worked to transform the pattern, yet I was staring it in the face AGAIN, and this time, right out of the box after eight years of holding relationship at bay! Yes, I was in love with my email buddy, Rick, who was committed to another. The "funny" thing is that I had all the physical and emotional symptoms of being in love, yet this time, I did not have that vaguely guilty feeling that it was wrong that had always been present before. No, the feeling I had was not at all vague--I knew it was wrong to be having an affair with someone who was not available, but I could not seem to stop the feeling of being on a runaway train. It felt more like destiny than anything I'd ever experienced.
"NOT FUNNY!" I said to God In Me. This was not right. I tried to summon up the will to bail out of the friendship, but it was as if I were somehow bound to follow this thing out. Meanwhile, Rick and I continued our constant emailing and calling. I got used to the fact that there were times when I would have to wait for a reply, as he spent two nights a week with her (she lived in Colorado Springs and he, in Denver). Sometimes I'd hear from him while he was with her; sometimes, I did not. I did my best to detach during these times, yet I found myself less and less able to pretend that I was just a friend, and that of course he'd be spending time with his beloved and it was all the same to me. Finally, it hurt so much, I called a moratorium to our correspondence, and told him that I just needed some space. What a relief! It felt MUCH better to simply not expect to hear from him at all instead of hoping he'd manage to slip an email in to me while he was with her. Though I was happy to hear from him once I called off the moratorium--and I heard from him within minutes of doing so--I knew it was only a matter of time till something had to give.
Though I tried to be more aloof, my heart just simply would not let me. At the same time, I was feeling more and more conflicted. Our calls and emails continued to escalate even further, and "I love you" was how each of us always ended our phone calls. The rationale: Friends say "I love you!" All my close girl friends and I say "I love you" when we close a conversation, and Rick and I were certainly close at this point...nothing untoward about that, right? We talked about so much--hours a night on the phone. We emailed continuously--beautiful, poetic emails, and clever, mundane emails--long, long series of emails with many different "threads" going at all times. And always there was a spiritual communion going on. We were so closely matched spiritually, it was uncanny. In fact, I had not even believed a man existed that would be on the same wavelength with me in that way, and it was too, too exquisite to simply reject because he was "already taken." After all, we had decided that our relationship was just getting me ready for my true love, who was surely on the way. (Yeah. Right. Boy, oh, boy--I think we created a new definition for love being blind!)
However, the pain of being the "play girl" and not the one "stirring the pots on the stove" (see previous installment for an explanation), was becoming acute, and what I had tried so hard to deny was finally in my face in a big way, and refused to leave. At last, reality bit hard and I knew without a doubt, we had been in denial and that this relationship had to end. I could not be "the other woman" ever again. I would no longer dishonor the Truth of Who I Am that way. No matter how much it hurt, I needed to cut it off--or transform it. And before that could happen, both of us needed to be clear about what was happening. In fact, there were three of us that needed to be clear. There was another being involved who didn't even know what was going on.
On the night of November 6th, 1997, I told Rick that it was imperative that we be 100% honest with ourselves, with each other, and with his girlfriend. I told him that we needed to back off and be just friends, and if that wasn't possible, we needed to cut off the relationship completely. More importantly, I told God-In-Me that I would give up my relationship with Rick, but I expected something really spectacular as a reward. You see, five years before, I had agreed to euthanize my beloved little boy dog, Buddy, who had been run over and was painfully clinging to life, and God had told me "I will never ask you to give up something precious to you without giving you a special gift in exchange." (Sometime I'll tell you that whole amazing story, but suffice to say I did, indeed, receive an amazing gift after I let Buddy go, interestingly, on November 6th, 1992!)
Giving up my relationship with Rick seemed a huge sacrifice, so I said to God In Me, "I'll do this, but I expect a BIG damn gift!" And I got one, but you'll have to wait for the next installment to see how it was delivered...
soulmate saga, part five
So I met this nice guy with the videotapes on the Unimaginable Life forum, and we struck up an email conversation. I knew he was special right away, and wished he weren’t already taken, but I was happy to have him for a buddy at least. I figured any man who could simply make it all the way through such an intimate book as UL, not to mention, proclaim himself commited to conscious relationship, and was so devoted to his girlfriend, had to be someone I’d like to be friends with! It took only a few days for our email exchange rate to ramp up to 6-8 per day each way. We talked quite a bit about his relationship, and about my moving toward one. There was something really special about our chemistry, though, and it sure felt different than any platonic friendship I'd ever had, though I knew that's all it could be.
Around this time, I decided to try out an online dating service, and had several guys contact me based on my profile. I liked most of them just fine, and enjoyed emailing with them for the most part, but found myself FAR more excited to see a message from my buddy Rick in my inbox than one from any of them. When Rick asked if he could call me so we could hear each others' voices, I was so excited, you would have thought it was a fancy dinner date with Mr. Right! When I heard his voice on the other end of the line, I spontaneously had the thought, that’s my guy—he sounds like "home." (Danger, Will Robinson!) His voice was so familiar and so soothing to my soul, I just knew that he was “mine”—and yet, he was deeply committed to his girlfriend and their relationship. I knew this because we had talked about it so much. So I decided that he just sounded like the man that was coming into my life—the one I knew intuitively that I was magnetizing and could feel coming closer. I figured when “the one” showed up, he’d sound just like Rick. (I guess you could say he did!)
I can’t name the minute it happened, but it soon dawned on me that I didn’t just like this guy a lot, or love him as a friend—I was in love. Holy moly—in love with an unavailable man. SHEESH! That frustrating pattern had reared its ugly head AGAIN, and I can’t tell you how irritated I was and betrayed I felt when I realized it. I thought that the universe was having a big sadistic laugh at my expense, but I sure didn't think it was funny. I had worked so hard to break this pattern, but there it was, despite my best efforts to consciously move past it. I didn’t tell you the whole story on that before, but suffice to say that in addition to staying out of relationships with men for 8 years, I had also worked with it intensively in therapy and made it clear to the universe by my actions in other powerful ways that I was done with that pattern and willing to do anything to transmute it.
Let me backtrack a bit, and tell you what I discovered about the origins of this pattern of being involved with all manner of unavaialble men. I found this out in the therapy that I had worked with for many years called the Results Method, which was based on Thymo-Kinesiology. I started it in the early-to-mid ’80s with Margaret Fields Kean, who was the originator of Results, and when Margaret moved out of my area, I started seeing Mary Mooney (trained by Margaret), whom I still see to this day when I am in Raleigh. (If you are in that area, I highly recommend Mary—email me if you want her contact info.) Anyway, what we found out by doing an age regression is that it all started when I was a little girl, waiting for my daddy, whom I adored, to come home from work everyday. Late afternoon after work was my time with Dad, who would walk in the back door, pick me up, carry me into the kitchen where Mom would be fixing dinner, hug and kiss me, tickle me, and hold my arms while I turned somersaults by climbing up his legs and flipping over. And over. As many times as he would let me. It was always a thrill—and never lasted long enough. You know how kids are—it’s never enough. Just when it was really getting fun, Dad would run out of steam and tell me that was all for now—which always disappointed and deflated me. Then—and this is the critical part—he would turn away from me, and go and hug and kiss my mother, and they would talk about the news of the day and the important matters of life, while she stirred the pots on the stove.
What I learned from that was that I was the girl that men liked to play with—until they got tired of it—and there was someone else that they discussed the real things of life with. So that’s why I had created the same pattern over and over—while it hurt, it was what I was used to. I was comfortable being “the other woman,” and the one the guys loved to play with before they settled down and got serious with somebody else. (I also learned that I had internalized the notion that “just when things start getting good, they’re over.” But that’s a different soap opera…) But I had cleared all that and was ready to be the one at the stove stirring dinner—or so I had thought. So why, right out of the box, was this cropping up again? What was I going to have to do to move past it? The answer is pretty cool. But it will have to wait till another installment! [soulmate saga, part four]
When last I posted an installment in my soulmate saga, I told you that, on my trip to buy an espresso maker to help ease the loss of the only coffee shop in the small town where I was living, I also bought a copy of the book, The Unimaginable Life, by Kenny and Julia Loggins. Whereas I had been somewhat reticent to buy it at first, once I did, I gobbled it up in less than 24 hours! It’s the story of the first seven years of their relationship and it is VERY intimate and revelatory. If they held anything back, it wasn’t much. The book chronicles not only the rapture of finding and experiencing what they termed “Big Love,” but also the radical honesty and “personal housekeeping” involved in tending a conscious relationship.
For one of the friends I recommended the book to, it was too intimate, too “embarrassing” to read—for me, it was like manna from heaven! This was the level of relating that I had always wanted but hadn’t ever manifested. I craved the chance to explore that level of intimacy with someone who was totally invested instead of the men I had manifested to date—if you recall, I had attracted a slew of unavailable or otherwise unsuitable men. For the eight years prior to discovering the book, I had been holding men away with a psychic barrier. I had convinced myself that I would need to grow spiritually to the point where I would not repeat the mistakes of the past; would not attract another unavailable man; would not recreate the dysfunctional relationship patterns that had lead to such pain. What I understood from reading The Unimaginable Life is that the way to achieve what I was longing for was not to try to perfect myself as a way to protect against hurt, but to embrace relationship as a spiritual path, and be willing to risk whatever it took to walk the path with a partner—a mirror.
So, as I said, I devoured the book immediately. I started it the night I came back from buying it and the espresso machine, and was finished the next afternoon. When I turned the last page, I said to the Universe, very clearly—but not without some trepidation—“I’m ready to grow spiritually in a relationship.” Just moments afterward, I went online to the Kenny Loggins website, and checked out the Unimaginable Life forum. There was a message posted there by a guy who was offering a videotape of Kenny’s and Julia’s appearance on Leeza. I found myself emailing him to see if he still had a copy. Now this wouldn’t have been odd except that, not only did I not particularly want one, the two VCRs in our house were out of order, having been struck by lightning! And yet, I was asking this stranger for a copy of the tape. Hmmm…I just figured it was Sweet Julie (my inner child) experiencing the “me, too syndrome.” Since he was only asking $5 for a copy to cover the cost of the tape and shipping, it seemed like a harmless indulgence. I quickly received an answer back saying that he’d made 10 tapes and I’d gotten the last one.
I emailed back, asking where to send the money, and commented on how reading the book had opened me up. He replied and said it had been meaningful to him and his partner, too. Here is the third message I sent:
I'm excited! Thanks so much and let me know
about expenses... I am happy to hear that you
and your woman are resonating with the book.
It gives me hope that there are men out there
who "get it"!!! It could just be that there is one
somewhere for me! For the first time in years,
I feel myself opening up to allowing another
person into my life. Reading *The
Unimaginable Life* was like an initiation.
Until "he" shows up, the book is calling me to
an even higher level of accountability in my
relationship with myself--which is obviously a
prerequisite for surviving and finding true
intimacy in relationship with another person.
Funny, I have been "working on myself"
for so long...guess it just never ends--
but maybe it can be more FUN!
Light on the path,
(Do take note of the message’s addressee…)
Next installment soon!
Back to my soulmate saga…From just after Christmas of 1990, to early 1998, I lived in my parents’ home in Lexington, North Carolina. They were there approximately 6 months out of 12 and I was there alone 6 months out of 12. During that period is when Recreating Eden was begun in earnest—though I didn’t at that point fully recognize what it was that I was undertaking. It was quite a time of solitude--a challenge for an extrovert like me! I should mention that Lexington is a small town of around 16,000, and not exactly a social mecca, or home to a gold mine of men that might have made suitable partners for me, even if I had been interested in coupling up at that time. Even Winston-Salem and Greensboro, where I worked in a holistic center and taught classes, didn’t yield up any promising partnership material for me—but then, as I said, I was wearing invisible barbed wire and a “Keep Out!” sign.
I might have gone nuts in Lexington, what with living alone, if I hadn’t discovered The Whirling Dervish, a coffee and gourmet shop, where I went every day, at least once, for a cappuccino and a bagel, and for much needed social interaction. The people who owned it, Betsy and Larry, became good friends, and people from the town I might not have gotten to know otherwise became my buddies, too. It was a bit like Cheers, but on caffeine instead of alcohol. Yes—The Dervish (so named because Betsy grew up as an expatriate in Turkey), saved my sanity.
The Dervish never really made much money, though, and after a few years of struggling by, Betsy and Larry finally decided to let it go. Now, you'd think that would have been devastating news, but for some reason, I did not react the way you might have expected. No—I somehow took it as a sign—a sign that my time to move on was at hand. That might not seem so unusual, except that I did not have a clue how I was going to pull it off. I simply did not have the financial wherewithal at that point to move. But oddly, I knew that moving was, indeed, what I was preparing to do. How? No clue. I remember walking my dachshund, Luna, in the lovely old neighborhood a block from the Dervish on a September afternoon soon after they announced it was closing in a couple of months. It was warm and golden—a perfect early fall day—and there was a breeze blowing that had the tiniest hint of chill in it, like a promise of what was to come. I can feel that breeze and hear it rustling the leaves in the big oaks on First Avenue to this day. It was more than a breeze—it was the winds of change. And I knew it even then.
I’ve said many times that your Spirit will use your personality to get you where you need to go and do what you need to do. Well, mine used my love for cappuccino to get me where I needed to be to find what I needed to find. Since the Dervish was closing and there were no other sources for espresso drinks in Lexington at the time, I decided I’d need an espresso maker if I were going to make it through with a minimum of withdrawals from the Dervish. So I headed to Winston-Salem to check them out and, to make a long story a little less long, ended up striking out at the gourmet and home stores—I thought $200 was a little much and their cheaper models were sold out. So, it was suggested to me that I try the new super Walmart. I’m thinking, “No way will they have espresso makers there!” but I let myself be convinced and went. What a Walmart! The price check girls were on roller skates, the place was so vast. And yes, they did, indeed, have an espresso maker—a Mr. Coffee for $40. So I got it, along with a frothing pitcher, and wandered around a bit before being sucked into their book department. There, I found what was then a new book by Kenny Loggins and his wife, Julia (nice name!) called The Unimaginable Life: Lessons Learned on the Path of Love. Yes—that’s Kenny Loggins the singer. I felt a powerful attraction to the book, but I was a little torn at first. You see, I’d had a crush on Kenny since 1983 when I sat on the front row of one of his concerts in Japan and wasn’t sure I wanted to read about his love affair with his wife! I had been the only Caucasian in a sea of Japanese, and I was tall, blonde, blue-eyed and wearing a mini-skirt to boot! He paid a LOT of attention to me, singing to me, and even looking me in the eyes and leaning over the edge of the stage to throw me a sweaty towel at one point, which, thankfully, a teenage girl snatched out from in front of me. I say thankfully, because really, what does one do with someone’s perspiration-soaked towel? But I digress.
I did buy the book. And the rest is history. Of course, I will share that history with you in the next installment!