Finding My Soulmate Part Eight

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Good grief. I truly did not mean to let so many months pass before I wrote another installment in the soulmate series! It's been since November that I wrote the 7th entry in the unfolding story, and I've been asked several times since to continue, with one person asking specifically about how Rick managed to break up with his girlfriend, so tonight I will add to the story at last.

So...as I left off last time, Rick and I were finally both on the same page with the knowing that we were in love and being powerfully drawn together, and Rick was knowing that he needed to break it off with...we'll call her "Susan" (not her real name). For him, it was really something terrifying to contemplate, as he had never broken up with anyone before. I, on the other hand, had a track record of breaking things off with men. Since the breakup of my first marriage, and learning the lesson of how much better it feels not to lie to yourself or to stay in a relationship where you're not fully able to be yourself and have the kind of emotional intimacy you really want, I'd never been inclined to stay in any relationship that was unhealthy. By the time I found Rick, I had lots of practice at taking my leave from men. So I was a bit perplexed at what the big deal was for him! But he is a very kind-hearted guy, and didn't want to hurt Susan.

I was eager for him to go ahead and do the deed, and, despite his trepidation, he was ready to just get it taken care of, but she got sick, and asked him not to come see her, much to Rick's chagrin, so his breaking up with her had to be postponed for a few days. In the meantime, we talked a lot about things, and I coached him to be lovingly honest and to visualize it going well. When at last (okay, it was only about a week, but a week at that point felt like months), she sent word that she was ready for him to come see her, I arranged to be at a girlfriend's house so that I wouldn't drive myself crazy wondering about it. I was really nervous for him, and prayed that she would take the news well and not be too hurt. Here is part of our email exchange from that day, Nov. 21, 1997:

=====

Rick:

I thank you for loving me, for being so open to my love, and for helping me see who I am capable of being.

Julia:

I am so pleased with the progress you have made toward making tonight's duty clean, clear, and loving. I can feel your confidence and strength.

Rick:

I'm pretty relaxed about it. For setting out to do something I have never done in my life, I'm surprisingly relaxed. All the visualizations and the talks we have had, as well as asking Spirit to be with me during this time, have made me as ready as I can be.

Julia:

This is a blessed mission--a critical part of us becoming completely US without any unclarity to sully our union. As you know, (my inner child issues aside) it has always been somewhat of a cloud lurking in the background of this thing we call US, and after tonight, it will be cleared away, the integrity of US, complete.

Rick:

I'm about 15 minutes from leaving for the Springs, and you know just what I need. The weather today--first the clouds coming in, then the sun peeking out, now the wind whipping up a bit, reminds me of the many possible outcomes tonight. All of them have one thing in common, and that is the very clarifying you refer to above. I look forward to that clarity and will hold the importance of it in my heart.

Julia:

I am very glad that you understand that your being clear and being true to yourself (and to US) is ultimately a blessing to her as well. That will help you withstand the parts where you will see pain in her face. Temporary pain in exchange for her freedom to create something more appropriate for her. Growing pains. I will keep her particularly in my heart tonight.

Rick:

I pray that she is able to feel the truth of this concept, as well. Growing pains... that will stick with me and come back when I need it, too. Thank you for your willingness to feel for her tonight!

===

And off he went. I expected it to be late when I heard from him, but was surprised when he called me a very short time after I knew he would have gotten to her house.

"It's done," he said, and proceeded to tell me that she had pretty much figured the whole thing out, and was expecting what happened--or at least, was prepared for it, and was not eager for him to hang around and hash things out, so she asked him to leave, which he did gladly. I was so relieved! I had braced myself for him to be really upset, with a possible report of her being really upset as well, but as it turned out, the whole episode was kind of anti-climactic since she had already intuited that it was over.

And then again--it was a spectacular moment, as we were finally free to be together! I'll stop here, and let Rick tell what he remembers of it from his perspective in the comments.

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Rick said:

Rick
If you like, you can read all the earlier episodes in this story by searching for the phrase soulmate saga in the search block of Julia’s blog.
As you read in Julia's entry, we worked for days on my confidence and my own visualizations of an outcome that was clear-cut and, at the same time, done with feeling and honesty. There is no doubt in my mind that the week's delay was designed with my own preparation in mind. Spirit runs an efficient operation, you know!
I hopped in the van and drove the 60 miles or so to ""Susan's"" house. It was in the fall, so it was dark by the time I got there. When I walked in, she greeted me, but I could feel that she well knew things weren't the same.
We began to talk, and it soon became apparent that we were both aware that I was now heading down a different path than we both had thought only weeks before. Then, she confessed that, although she had the table set for dinner and had food ready to cook, she also had gotten my stuff together for easy transport. She was ready to go either way, depending upon what happened when I walked in the door.
Having spent a number of weekends at her house, there was a small collection of my stuff that had accumulated. I now discovered it carefully boxed up in her spare bedroom.
We spent a short while talking, but neither of us wanted to draw the scene out any longer than necessary. It wasn't a bad scene at all, but it was an uncomfortable situation. I had arrived that evening intending to hear her out for as long as she wished to talk or ask questions, or even rant if that was what she needed to do. I was surprised when she was done within a matter of minutes, and we decided it was time for me to leave. I loaded the few boxes of stuff into my van and headed back to Denver.
Of course, relief was the major emotion I felt on that drive back. I was glad to have had an honest and heartfelt conversation with my friend, and I was glad to now look forward to deciding with Julia where we were heading. One major complication for us had been dealt with, and I felt it had happened in a way that was gentle and honest.
Within a day or two, my friend did write me, asking some questions. I wrote her a long return message, and she was able to accept my answers in the spirit I offered them: I had never been dishonest with her, I had simply been struck by lightning when Julia came into my life. It was my own inability to see the truth of it for a few weeks that delayed things. It was important to me that my friend asked those hard questions of me, because I knew she deserved to hear what was in my heart, and we really had not come to closure the evening I was last at her house.
In less than a month from that night, Julia was flying to Denver for our first face-to-face meeting. By that time, we had exchanged thousands of email messages, and we had spent hundreds of hours on the phone. I don't believe two people could know each other any better within a couple of months while never setting eyes on each other.
We did have a small miscommunication happen when it came time to finally get together. I was making plans to fly to North Carolina at the same time as Julia was planning to fly to Denver. Fortunately, we did not end up in a real-life sitcom episode and fly simultaneously to opposite cities!
More to come…

Joanne said:

Joanne
Thank you, Julia and Rick, for continuing your soulmate story. I am so grateful that Spirit led me to your web site. Reading it has helped me tremendously in my own story. It doesn't have an ending yet, but I'm in such a good place right now. I am allowing my Spirit within to guide me and I know my story's outcome will be as it is supposed to be. I'm looking forward to reading the conclusion of your soulmate story and all of your upcoming blogs, Julia!
May your lives together continue to be blessed with joy and delight!
Joanne

Julia said:

Julia
Hi, Joanne~
Glad you are finding our story helpful! You won't be surprised to know that you are the one I was referring to that asked me to share this part of the saga!
Thank you for your expression of appreciation and blessings to you in your spiritual adventures!
You might want to plan to attend my May 23rd free teleseminar. It's entitled ""Romancing Your Spirit: Cultivating and Celebrating the Love Relationship That Precedes All Others."" I'll be sharing some of the things I did that prepared me for my relationship with Rick (and things I still do, as my relationship with my Spirit is always first and foremost!).
You can find the details on the events page of the website:
http://www.recreating-eden.com/events.html#teles
Love and Joy,
Julia

Susan said:

Wow, I started reading this from a post on powerfulintentions. When I read that you had been only attracting 'unavailable' men I got chills. As that is my issue as well. So I decided to read your story here about finding Rick. Then in this post you call ""her"" Susan. Again chills. See my last relationship ended & I think he had someone else (maybe something similar to what Rick was doing to 'her' with you) & now I think it's true, my sinking suspicions were correct. What I don't understand however is how you & Rick worked out from starting something when he was already involved with someone else. Maybe you explain that later but so far I don't see it. Ok now I just have to decide how I can attract 'available' men. I don't want to go through what you & Rick had to go through -

Julia said:

Hi, Susan~
Just to be clear, her name wasn't actually Susan! Hers was another name that started with ""S"".
Rick and I were just email friends at the start, and Rick continually professed his love for and loyalty to ""S"" and I supported him in that until it finally became very clear that there was more between us than could be classified as friendship and that we were a great match. He soon realized that he had been trying to force their relationship to be what ours had the true potential of being.
It was clear to me before it was clear to him that we needed to be together as more than friends, and as soon as he realized that he was in love with me, he broke it off with her. As it turned out, it was the best thing, as she was not really in love with Rick, but he was just the first man who had really treated her with love and respect (she had been abused in past relationships). So breaking it off with her freed them both to create something more right for themselves. She later thanked him for having the courage to break up with her as she had known they weren't meant to be together but just couldn't easily let go of a man who was kind to her.
You said, ""I really don't want to go through what you & Rick had to go through.""
The truth is that we didn't really have to ""go through"" that much--it was primarily a joyous time of growth and discovery and of refining our integrity. It wasn't that anyone was cheating on anyone--it was more like discovering that we were the right fit and he and ""S"" were not the right fit and then acting on it out of integrity. There was never any sneaking around going on. Once it felt to me like we were deceiving her and I knew that things were beyond friendly, I put my foot down and said, ""no more.""
If you stay true to the Truth, things will always shake out the way they're supposed to.
And, yes--DO just decide to attract available men and refuse to accept less. It was only when I said, ""NO! I will not be involved with Rick if he is not available!"" did he become available.
I hope this helps answer your question!
Love and Joy,
Julia

Susan said:

Julia,
Wow, I wasn't expecting a response, and not so soon. Thank you for that. Just to be clear, I find your site very uplifting & inspiring. And yes, I did understand that Susan wasn't her name. It was just a 'sign' I guess you could say, to me.
I do think that everything happens for a reason & you were obviously meant to be together but I have a theory that 'males & females' can't be friends. I guess I think there is too much temptation there. I understand that there was nothing going on yet between the two of you yet just feelings. Rick wasn't supposed to be with her or they would have been together. I love the part that you say enough is enough & he does what he needs to do.
What is your best advice for understanding how to stop attracting 'unavailable' men? Sometimes I believe I do it on purpose because I am afraid of commitment myself but I'm not for sure if that's true or just an excuse I make up so I don't feel 'bad' about another 'failed' relationship. While I have learned something from each one I still want to know when 'I'll find true love'.

Julia said:

Hi, again, Susan~
Glad you are enjoying the site!
My best advice to stop attracting unavailable men is to stop accepting unavailable men! Just put your foot down with yourself and whoever else and just say, ""No!""
And yes, I believe that you are right when you say you do it because you're afraid of commitment. It may also be because of some pattern from childhood. Did you read the blog entry where I talked about figuring out about that for myself?
You'll find true love when you allow it. When you stop filling the space with unavailable men and only allow men who will love you and respect you--and themselves--enough to not play games and be deceitful. And only allow a relationship that is the whole package.
First, of course, you have to create that within yourself--you have to be willing to stop fooling yourself and accepting less than what your God-Realized Self deserves. If you can't do it for yourself because you feel unworthy, do it for your Self, who is infinitely worthy! Don't allow any behavior that is less than what you would want for God, because you are God, pretending to be a limited human being.
It is huge that you are looking at this and deciding it's time to stop messing around and have what you really long for. I know you will create what you truly desire!
Love and Joy,
Julia
P.S. I think you see that there are no ""failed relationships""--only relationships that didn't measure up to our ego expectations about what is ""supposed"" to happen. Every relationship does, indeed, teach us, and bring us closer to knowing what we want. You might want to read Barbara deAngelis's book, ""Are You The One for Me?"" There are some great exercises in there.

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This page contains a single entry by Julia published on April 24, 2006 4:52 AM.

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