June 2005 Archives

My studies on cultivating joy have shown me SO much about my ego! I guess it’s only logical that, in the realm of duality, if you want to know about something, study its opposite. While it may seem that ego is not a parallel concept to joy, therefore, not eligible to be its opposite, it sure seems that wherever there is a hint of joy, there ego is, wishing to quash it, and doing whatever it can to try and regain control.

Case in point: This morning, I was lighthearted and ready to hunker down and have sweet communion with my Spirit (which is also communion with joy). Before going to my communion spot, I called Rick at work to see if he was still on the planet, as I hadn’t heard from him yet, which is unusual. He hadn’t been in touch because he was swamped, and having a dreadful morning, something that is all-too-usual these days. After I spoke with him and heard the strain in his voice, I began to worry. I began to worry about his stress level and his health, and the wisdom of his staying in his job, and the possible financial consequences of his leaving his job (which is not something he has talked about—that’s just my fantasy!) and other related stuff. Suddenly, I was no longer lighthearted and ready to commune with the Divine. But I decided to try anyway (because when you are not feeling like it is exactly when you need it the most, of course.) As I settled into my communion spot, I realized that my frequency had plummeted, and I started to analyze why. What I came up with was “worry.” It must have been the intended theme of the moment, for as I reached for my “communion pad,” I opened it and found myself on an almost empty page that had one statement on it. “To whatever degree you are worrying, you are holding yourself out of Love.”

Hmmm…I started contemplating that, and realized that, once again, the entity behind the worry was none other than my ego. Ego is the worrier within. Ego so desperately wants to be in control that it worries as a way to maintain a hold over things it simply cannot actually do anything about. Have you ever heard the saying, “Worry is a prayer to the wrong God”? I love that one. I guess you could say that “Worry is a prayer to the ego.” Or, in Recreating Eden-speak, “Worry is a prayer in the wrong direction.” (Reverse polarity) Worry, sure enough, is a lack of faith. One thing’s for sure, ego is not a faithful entity! Well, it may have faith in things “going wrong,” but it doesn’t have faith in the Divine Design for Wholeness and Harmony! And whenever you are investing energy in anything lesser, you are depriving yourself of the Love and peace of the Divine Design. And of joy!

As I thought about worry and the ego and how much I wanted to experience the joy space this morning, I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to rise in frequency as much as I wanted to without doing some emotional clearing. Worry had brought up a lot of my “stuff”—my insecurities and general fears—and I knew that I needed to put on Ashes and go through the catharsis process again. That’s the coolest thing about that album—if you listen from start to finish, it really does take you through the paces in the most pleasant way possible. Sure enough—when the last song on the album had played, I was feeling worlds better and back to lighthearted again!

Because I have committed myself to a study of “joy on purpose,” I suppose this, as everything in my life, is just grist for the mill. I think it’s really great the way the universe compels you to teach what you most need to learn, but I do wonder how people cope with all these lessons and challenges if they don’t see their job as learning so they can teach! As I said to Rick the other day, if I didn’t frame my life in terms of Joseph Campbell’s “hero’s journey,” I’d probably just go nuts!

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It's time to get real

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I woke up this morning with a big ol’ ucky knot in my stomach. It is not surprising—last night, Rick and I had a spontaneous talk about the things in our life together that need healing. Naturally, what came out is all the stuff that you like to keep out of your consciousness because they are uncomfortable to look at. Now, I’m more intrepid than most at facing things, but even I have a hard time looking at the parts of me that are so deeply rooted in childhood messages of incompetency that I have diminished ability to deal with them rationally.

Case in point, finances. Now, it’s not that I haven’t spent time analyzing my money wounds—I have. I can tell you that I was reared by a loving, but controlling, father who was secretive about money, ostensibly, because he didn’t want us to be burdened with financial facts, but also, because, I believe, he liked the power of keeping it to himself (and who doesn’t like to feel more control in this world that is so uncontrollable?). The unspoken message I received? The programming that I internalized and still operate from? “It’s safer not to know the financial realities.” I can tell you that every time I came up with a financial crisis in my life, instead of empowering me to figure it out and handle it myself, my dad bailed me out. The unspoken message? “You are not competent to handle this yourself. You need someone wiser to handle it for you.” So I have spent most of my life to this point not wanting to know the reality of finances. I have been afraid of money stuff. The problem with that is that money is repelled by fear. And I, like everyone, could really use a free-flowing stream of money!

It would seem that it is time to finally come up with a way to heal this. More than anything else in this world, I want the message of Recreating Eden to get out to the world, and that means selling the book. Selling the book means making money. So in order for this to work, I need to stop repelling money, which means I need to transcend my fears around money and start living in reality about money. To do this, I need to shift some belief systems such as, “It’s better not to know about money.” “If I don’t know how much money there is or isn’t, I’ll feel better.” “I am not competent to handle money.”

I also should say that I’m not blaming this on my dad. It is not his fault that I have not dealt with this. It is my responsibility for changing any childhood programming that isn’t working for me. And let me tell you, it isn’t working for me! My unreality around money is affecting my relationship with Rick because he has been bearing the psychic burden of our financial ill health mostly alone (though it is not true that I haven’t been feeling it—I have just not been the one willing—till now—to stare the numbers in the face.) NOT that Rick is angry with me about this—it’s just clear that it’s time for us to get our financial ducks in a row, and for that to happen, I need to do some maturing and some “spiritual warrioring.”

So, to begin with, I was guided to dig up a book that we bought years ago and never used. It’s The Energy of Money by Maria Nemeth. I opened it today and it was bookmarked at the first page of the introduction and when I read that page, I knew the time was right. I also placed a hold on a copy of the book at the library so that we can both be using the book at the same time. I’m hoping that working with the book will help me deal with this at an energy level instead of purely at an emotional level. What it feels like to me is the linchpin in a whole bunch of self-worth, power-claiming issues. I know it is time to claim my power, and that I cannot do that at the same time that I am disowning my responsibility and power around money. This ought to be interesting!

 

 

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Times like these have always been the most frustrating for me—the time when a new project is gestating, I’m eager to get going on it, but other facets of life are in focus and I don’t get to immerse myself fully in the writing. Don’t get me wrong—I do have a hard-won respect for the process. After all those years of working on Recreating Eden and being mad at least half the time because “life was getting in the way,” I finally do realize that living life is integral to the energy I have to offer into whatever it is I’m co-creating with Spirit. But my ego-driven, short-sighted self just wants to go, go, go! I guess it’s just not time yet. I just have to wait. (That was for you, Rick.)

Today I had a very productive day of earthly chores. I launched into accomplishing some of those heavy cleaning tasks that have taken a back burner for far too long. You see, someone is coming over for an attunement tomorrow, and I really didn’t want her coming into a pig pen. Also, my friend, Donna, is coming over on Thursday after I pick her up from the airport (she’s coming in from Nashville for INATS), and I didn’t want things to be too gross for that—not that she’d even care, but hey—if I don’t have some excuse to get things in shape, I simply won’t!

INATS—you may be wondering what that is. It’s the International New Age Trade Show, and it’s in Denver this summer (as it is every summer), and in Florida for the winter show. It’s great that it’s in Denver so that I can go without it costing an arm and a leg for travel. Last year, to introduce the book, we had a small half-booth space, but found that it really wasn’t all that necessary or especially productive and it was expensive. I made just as many—maybe more—fruitful contacts just walking around and introducing myself than I did standing at our booth. So this year, I will be floating. It is a lot of fun—kind of like a gigantic new age circus. It's at the Denver Merchandise Mart--it takes up three buildings--and there is everything there from publishers, and apparel reps, to jewelry and crystals and aura photography and sidelines of every kind. It’s a wholesale show, slanted toward retailers buying for their stores, but there are some amazing bargains available for non-retailers, too. And you meet people from everywhere, who are into everything, from Buddhism to Wicca and everything in between. There are lots of celebrities and new age luminaries publicizing their latest books, etc. There are a lot of fabulous musicians there, too, with concerts almost non-stop throughout the show on the various stages. Donna, who is a new age musician (and my friend since 7th grade, by the way!), has been coming to INATS for many years, and has lots of musician friends who perform at the show, so it’s always fun to hang out with her there. I’m excited, too, that she and I will have time together Thursday to hang out. I’m overdue for some girlfriend time!

It’s the summer solstice this early morning—a powerful time, indeed. And this year’s is closely followed by the full moon in Capricorn. See Lisa Dale Miller’s “This Full Moon” at http://www.astrowisdom.com/thisfullmoon.htm.

You can read up on this year’s summer solstice by visiting my friend Allison Rae on the web at:

http://www.quantumrealitycoach.com/alignments.html

It’s really hard to believe time-wise that we have already reached summer—and the day of the year with the most daylight (and that the days will be getting shorter again!). Where has the springtime gone?! On the other hand, with temps in the 90s here for the last couple of days, it's easy to feel that summer has arrived.

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Roly's $93 bender

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Tonight I was on the daybed with #2 dachshund, Lilah, when Roly (#1 dachsie), who had just come in from outside, wanted to get up with us, so I picked him up and he promptly went under the covers, began to sniff Lilah and whimper. She snarled at him, which is highly unusual, and Rick and I looked at each other in bafflement, but they settled down so we dismissed it. When 9:00, their normal treat time came around, and Roly did not even respond to the invitation: “Treat time!”—I knew something was seriously amiss at that point—usually, by 8:50, Roly is twitching with excitement over the upcoming rituals. I put him down on the floor and he was totally disoriented—turning in circles, and staggering. He went outside, and was listing to one side, his hind legs dragging a bit. Obviously,I was starting to get freaked out! When they came in, I tossed them their treats as per usual, but when I threw Roly his, it was like he was blind and he let them hit him on the head without even trying to catch them. By this time, the terror was mounting.

I conferred with Rick and even though Roly seemed to be improving and less disoriented after a couple of minutes, we decided it was time to call the emergency vet. At first, the technician I spoke with advised me to just observe him and take him to his regular vet tomorrow but to go ahead and bring him in if he had another episode tonight. But as we talked, (he was flopped down at my feet) I noticed that his belly was distended, so she told me to bring him in right away, thinking he may have gotten into some poison somehow. When I went to tell Rick we needed to go, I noticed Roly sitting by the back door but he had leaked a puddle—TOTALLY unlike him. Then he went outside and lifted his leg again. So we snapped into action, crated a frantic Lilah, and headed out. Much to our chagrin, the major road that goes right to the clinic was being worked on, and was down to one lane, and the traffic was backed up—ACK! Rick decided to go an alternate route and only lost a few minutes, but it didn’t help our nerves any. Meanwhile, I have Roly in my arms, bottom wrapped in a towel in case of further leaking and his tummy is gurgling up a storm. What in the world could be wrong? I’m doing my best not to panic. A stroke? A brain tumor? Poisoning? What is happening to my precious boy?

We got there and found that it’s a gorgeous new facility, with really nice people, and started filling out the paperwork, etc. (On the way in, Roly had to relieve himself AGAIN on the fire hydrant.) After I finished, I took him out again and he had to pee AGAIN! I brought him back in and sat there with him in my arms and started inspecting him closely. His eyes were red and kind of droopy. I decided to smell his breath to see if I smelled anything strange, like poison. And that’s when it hit me—he smelled like he’d been drinking. But…there’s nothing he could have been drinking…WAIT A MINUTE! I had totally, utterly forgotten that I had put about ¾ of a can of beer in a shallow container with half a pack of baker’s yeast, and sunk it into the garden soil to lure the slugs, who’ve been eating my basil. ROLY WAS DRUNK!!! I shrieked when I realized what it was. The vet tech and another vet who was standing there said that he’d be fine except that the baker’s yeast could cause a serious gas problem, so she recommended that a vet see him to check him over and be sure he was okay. After a few minutes in the waiting room, a nice young doc came in and said his vet school roommate used to give her dog beer all the time (hmmm…) and that it wouldn’t hurt Roly permanently, but that the yeast would be a problem. So he gave him a Gas-X, recommended subcutaneous fluids (remember, Roly was urinating a LOT) so he wouldn’t get dehydrated. I asked him if we could skip the fluids if I could get him to drink water and he said that was fine but that if he didn’t drink on his own, to bring him back. (He drank some watered down kefir when he got home, so we’re out of the woods there.)

Anyway, by the time we got out of there, it had cost $93. I’m just so very grateful that he is fine (other than a lot of gas!). And sure enough, As soon as we got home, I checked the container that had had the beer and yeast in it, and it was licked dry and had even been moved out of the hole I’d dug for it. (Rick says he figures Roly picked it up to go find the bartender for another round!)

I’m trying not to beat myself up for not realizing he would drink the beer when he was out by himself. It truly never even crossed my mind. When I had opened the yeast and more poured out of the package than I really needed, I just went ahead and left it there, even though a little voice was telling me to dump it out and use much less. “Why bother?” I had thought. It’s out of date and what can it hurt?” Now I know what it can hurt. One more time, Julia: ALWAYS listen to the still, small voice!

So that is the story of Roly’s expensive bender. No cheap drunk, he. Oh, yeah--we think Lilah snarled at him because she didn’t want a drunk pawing her.

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Mostly mundane

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I sure didn’t mean for it to be so long between entries, but I’ve been a busy beaver. I’ve just finished a major article (approx. 2500 words) for Innerchange, the holistic magazine in the Triangle area of North Carolina (it's both print and online). I’ll be doing a talk and workshop in Raleigh in early October through Spiritual Frontiers Fellowship, so wanted to get this in the August-September newsletter. That, plus all the stuff that was involved in supporting Barbara Rose’s best seller campaign, and getting my attunement page up, has taken my writing energy. (Getting the attunement page up when I did was clearly all in Divine Order, because within a couple of days of putting it up, someone brand new to the site booked an hour appointment! She’s from the foothills near Denver, so she’s coming in person.)

AND, since I last checked in, we’ve had more torrential rains and basement flooding, with the attendant bailing and such. (Thanks to stepdaughter #2 for acting as the cavalry and riding to the rescue when Rick couldn’t get here fast enough to help me.) We have realized that we need all new gutters, downspouts, and roof. The roofing contractor who came to give an estimate on the gutters and downspout said that we had major hail damage on the roof, so the insurance company should pay for it, too. We’re waiting for an adjuster to come assess it, but after so many severe storms over the last week and a half, they are very busy. My fingers are crossed that we have only clears skies and gentle rain between now and when this all gets resolved!

I have a major--but secret for now--project starting tomorrow. I'll let you in on it when it feels that the time is right and the energy is stable enough that it won't be depleted by sharing. But please send Love energy its way--this project will help us all.

As far as my emotional healing process goes, I have my sad moments, but haven’t felt the grief so powerfully lately. A friend’s father has been in the dying process over the last week, and he made his transition today. They were especially close and with her mother, sister, and brother already gone, it’s really a wrenching loss for her. (If you could stop right now for a second and send a prayer for her comfort, that would be lovely). Since her dad was in a similar situation, I have been sharing with her all that I learned when Mom was going through her transition. My friend was concerned that it was bumming me out to do so, but actually, it was so nice to be able to look back on the whole thing and see the beauty and order in it all, and to use that to help somebody else. I know Mom would like knowing that.

Today it has been fun to see the emails coming in that say that people requested to be on the list for my newsletter. Usually, it is done a different way, but without going into boring detail, we needed to do it differently for the people that found us via Barbara’s campaign. It feels like connecting with long lost friends, even though I haven’t had personal contact—I just know that if they were magnetized to recreating-eden.com, they’re kindred! If you’re one of those new signups, welcome, welcome, welcome!!!

Well, the girls are here and 2 of them want to go to the indoor rock-climbing center after dinner, so I’d better get started with the food. I’ll sign off for now, and plan to share something spiritually instructive next time (or not :P)

Be sure to check out Lisa Dale Miller's info on the full moon in Capricorn. She seems always to be right on target and her explanations are easy to understand for the astrologically illiterate.

Oh, yeah--I pledge to get on with finishing the Soulmate Saga really SOON!

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Energy on the move again!

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What a lovely day! At last, for the first time since before Mom made her transition, I experienced that heart-leaping-up joy again, for no particular reason that I can definitely pinpoint, other than I did the things that I know raise my frequency. For the last 2 months, it's felt like I was stuffed with cotton, and the energy didn’t feel like it was moving much unless I was engaged in “on-purpose” grieving. And I never really made it to the joy-space—that holy place within, where I so love to be—till this morning.

One reason I believe I was able to break through the padded casing that has seemed to enclose me, is that I finally have time with no extraneous activities looming, I have an understanding of some specific Spirit-directed tasks that need to be done that are things that I enjoy doing—and I’ve been doing them. My ego really, really likes an easy-to-perceive plan (even when I know darn well that the plan is subject to change at a moment’s notice), and my soul really likes for the time and space concerns to be minimal so that I can get in the flow without feeling like I’m going to have to limit my experience. When there’s a plan that is appealing, my ego can let go and relax and stop choking down on me. And when that plan matches up with my passion AND I am free to pursue it, that seems to be a recipe for elevation! It was also hugely impactful that I used "Joy" essential oil blend, listened to my joy music (Andreas Vollenweider and Earth Wind and Fire) and did some channeling of my Spirit in writing.

I’ve been meaning to set up some teleseminars but hadn’t gotten around to it yet, but this morning, I was offered the opportunity to do one, and someone else will set it up. I love that! I guess the Universe got tired of waiting for me to get going on it. This will be a bonus offering for Barbara Rose’s Amazon best seller campaign for Stop Being the String Along next week. I am excited about the topic I’ll be offering, too. Here is the blurb for it:

Got a Problem? Raise Your Frequency!

Raising your frequency is the solution—now, what was your problem? In this eye-opening teleseminar, Julia Rogers Hamrick, visionary, teacher, and author of Recreating Eden, will enlighten you about the remarkable, problem-solving function the Creator built into the Divine Design, and share techniques for activating its magic to solve—or dissolve—your problems, and begin creating a trouble-free life!

The teleseminar will be July 12 at 9 p.m. EDT. So buy Barbara’s book on June 15 from Amazon, submit your receipt (info@borntoinspire.com), and she’ll give you the code so you can attend for free. Barbara’s gotten a slew of great bonuses together—far beyond the other campaigns I’ve seen. I’ll be sending out an email for it on June 15, so look out for it. If you’re not on my mailing list, sign up now so you can get the scoop on all the bonuses!

I’ve also finally gotten a page ready to be put up that gives information on having an attunement with me. I’m ready to stop resisting the persistent nudges I’ve been getting from Spirit to open that up again. I’ve enjoyed doing attunements in person lately on my trips and know it’s time to offer them here in Denver, both in person and over the phone. It’s been many years since I opened myself up for doing attunements, as the last time I actively offered them, I let some people come back for more even though I felt they were avoiding taking responsibility for developing their own inner guidance and I should have said “No—go attune with your Spirit and figure things out for yourself,” and I felt yucky about that, so I stopped doing them and have avoided getting back into it until a few months ago. But I’ve matured greatly since then, and trust that I will be better able to manage that aspect of things. Besides, what I’m offering now is at a whole different level. The new attunements page should be up by tomorrow.

Today was “Gotcha Day” for Lilah, our little red dachsie girl. She’s been with us for 3 years. My, how time flies! It seems like only yesterday that she was an eight-week-old puppy, waking me up at the crack of dawn to go potty and jump around and generally boogy woogy all over me on the couch while I struggled to keep my eyes open and hand her chew toys! I was “only” 48 at the time, but that was way too old for raising a baby puppy! We tried to find a rescue dachsie for a companion for Roly when Luna died, but nothing panned out—I guess Lilah was our destiny. Anyway, it all paid off and she’s a cool dog now. Crazy—but cool. She fits right in around here. Happy Gotcha Day, Miss Lilah Jane!

 

 

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Too exciting

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I tried to post this last night but couldn’t, so this is Friday, the 3rd’s entry:

What an exciting day! And, I will admit, not in the most desirable way—still, all is well and I am here to tell about it…

We had tornado warnings in Denver today—not watches, but warnings, which are unusual here in the city—and huge line of powerful thunderstorms that were dropping torrential rain and large hail--though, at our house, we only got small stuff. At the beginning of the storms, I was on the phone talking to my dad, who had arrived at the cottage and was telling me of his various triumphs and travails. I had him on speaker so that I wouldn’t have to touch the phone, but as the lightning and the booms got so close together, I couldn’t even count to “one” between them, I finally decided to get off the phone. Just as I did, the tornado siren in our neighborhood went off. I calmly got the dogs down to the basement, changed shirts (in case of emergency, I certainly did not want to be stuck wearing the ill-fitting, unflattering one I had on! Not that I put on anything fetching—just a tee-shirt that I wouldn’t feel embarrassed to be seen in.) Rick had called to say he was leaving work late and that he was stopping by the library on the way home so I called him back to tell him to skip the library and just get here, but he’d already left the library and was on his way home. He said there was a tornado siren at the library that had been screaming.

So once he got here, we were all in the basement, but just as things seemed to be calming down slightly with the tornado situation (we watched the local news in the basement), I noticed that water was pouring in through one of the window wells. You may remember that we’ve been working on the basement to get it cleaned out. Well let me tell you—I now have new incentive to finish. I had to move a lot of things out of the way of the flooding, and there is still quite a bit of stuff that needs to go away! I noticed that I was less and less attached to things as the water rose and the futility of trying to stop the water dawned on me. That was a gift as one of the hardest parts about cleaning out is attachment--now I know just how valuable much of that stuff is NOT! Rick was outside in the storm bailing out the window well while I made dams with towels inside and worked to sweep the water toward the floor drains. He valiantly continued bailing in the rain, wind, and lightning, (which by this time, thank goodness, wasn’t, for the most part, nearly as close). Normally, I’d have been really nervous about him being out there, but this time, I just let go. I felt that was a personal triumph!

Fortunately, the rain slacked off and he was able scoop out enough water that it stopped pouring in, and only the perimeter of the basement is now wet—but the water did intrude about ten or so feet in places and was a couple of inches deep in the corners. I’m praying that it will not rain hard in the night—showers are forecast from now through the morning. And to add insult to injury, it’s predicted to be a high of 57 tomorrow. We’ll be lucky if we have tomatoes before frost at this rate! But we have grass, by golly. Lots of thick, green, LONG grass!

While the water is an inconvenience, I am thankful that we did not have a tornado--to my knowledge, there was no tornado damage in Denver today.

After weeks and weeks of mostly numb, my spirits are high, despite the stress of the late afternoon and early evening, because I finally got back to my routine today, and sat and did some release work while listening to Cris. I’m clearing out and clearing out all the stuff that’s depressing my frequency. I also listened to Earth Wind and Fire for the first time since coming back from Louisiana, and you know that’s my happy music! Speaking of Cris, I had written her to tell her all the ways that Ashes had proven significant and helpful in my life and the lives of people I’ve shared it with. I sent the email last week, so I was surprised today to get an email back from her saying my message had put the shine on her day. That was very cool.

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Relationship day

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Today was relationship day. First, I finished reading Barbara Rose’s new book, Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to being THE ONE. I wish I’d had it back in my early 20s—then again, I probably wasn’t ready for it then! Barbara writes beautifully, and has a really loving way of "smacking you upside the head" gently, so that there is no mistaking the message. The only way you wouldn’t fully get what she is saying is if you didn’t open the book! I wish I could give this book to girls in junior high everywhere. It’s a thin volume in size, and I admit that when I first saw it, I was a little concerned that it would not be substantial in content either. I needn’t have worried. If you are in a relationship (or know someone who is) that is not what you are longing for, definitely read this book! You can read my Amazon review of it here.

The next relationship activity of the day was that Rick and I saw a counselor for the first time. As I mentioned an entry or so ago, our relationship has suffered due to neglect, and instead of running it into the ditch, we decided to seek help with it before things got to that point. I’m excited about it—as I’ve said before, I love self-exploration, and exploring the entity that is created by our being together is something that I know will be fascinating and challenging. Rick will most likely be going alone for a few sessions first so that he can get up to speed since I’ve done therapy-type stuff more recently than he has. Kathy, our new counselor, is very cool and non-traditional, but with a traditional background. She’s a Jungian therapist, for one thing. Though I haven’t done much study of it, (I’ve read a few Robert Johnson books, though), I’ve always resonated with Jung’s work. Kathy’s also a shaman and dream work facilitator. Most importantly, she is open to all kinds of things and seems to be on a similar spiritual path. Rick liked her and felt comfortable with her, too. It feels good to embark on this journey of exploration together!

From another relationship angle, I talked to my dad, who is on the road tonight (well, actually, he’s at a Hampton Inn tonight). He left North Carolina yesterday for Michigan, where he has (seems strange not to say “he and Mom have”) a cottage on Lake Michigan. It will be his first trip there since Mom made her transition, and it will be an emotional thing to go back there without her. That’s where they met as kids, and where they’ve spent all the summers of their retirement years, as well as summer vacations in between. So I can only imagine that walking in the front door tomorrow for the first time without her will be tearful. My sisters are headed up there tomorrow also, but they are flying. They will be getting my older sister, Ann’s, cottage ready for renters, and for their own return in July and August. They’ll be there a week this trip, so they’ll be there to help Dad ease into things. Rick and I will be going up in mid-July (and will stay with Dad) as there will be another memorial service there for Mom. Sigh…it’s hard to think of being there without her—but I feel sure I’ll feel closer to her there. Where Dad lives now is not where I ever visited while Mom was alive except for once before they moved there, so this will be my first time going back to where I remember Mom being—and so vividly. From the time I first went there in the womb, she’s always been there, too. I guess she still will be in the ways that matter most.

In addition to talking to Dad tonight when he called to report in from the hotel, I talked to Ann briefly, and I talked to Linda, the younger of my two older sisters, and it was lovely to catch up. One of the happy things that has come out of Mom’s passing is that I feel even closer to my sisters AND my dad. And in a weird way, I’m feeling closer to Mom, too. So, I have felt much gratitude for my relationships with my closest loved ones today, and am happy that, with nurturing, they are deepening and becoming more joyful.

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About this Archive

This page is an archive of entries from June 2005 listed from newest to oldest.

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