March 2008 Archives
Amazing! In trying to figure out what I'll need to take with me to wear when I visit my family in NC next month, I just tried on the last pair of jeans I had outgrown in my seeming subconscious quest to have a Buddha-like figure, and I was able to get them on and zip them! A miracle! I wouldn't have even tried except that I heard a tiny whisper of encouragement to do so while looking at some jeans online, and when I dowsed to see if they would fit, the rods promised me "yes." I really wouldn't have even subjected myself to the possible disappointment if not. I don't look fabulous in them or anything--but I can zip them without straining and if I wear a non-clingy top with them, I look pretty okay!
I guess the last few weeks of dietary consciousness have actually netted results. I've a long way to go before I hit the target weight I have decided upon--not my ultimate target, but the first one to shoot for--but it would appear that I've managed to turn the trend around! That's HUGE--pardon the pun.
For so long, I have truly felt deeply compelled to be fat. Deeply. Like--when I thought about losing weight, I felt major resistance within, as if some sub-personality or another just NEEDED to be fat to serve some really important purpose. I'd think about being fat and it felt good! I couldn't even feel a desire to be thinner. No matter how much I disliked that I was growing out of yet another size of my clothes, and knowing that I was being judged for my burgeoning size, it was as if there were a more important mission being guided from within: to be a blimp.
So what has changed? I honestly don't know what internal thing has shifted. It's like my memory of whatever major inner change I made is shrouded from me. (I like to say that I don't remember because I'm just so in the moment--you have my permission to use that one the next time you can't remember what you did yesterday!)
I have done a bunch of things that have contributed, I'm sure: I chose a number I want to see on the scale and I visualize it whenever I think about it. I did some forgiveness of various events and people. I decided to be more conscious about my eating. I've stopped eating late at night, which was a pattern I'd gotten into. I watched Paul McKenna's "I Can Make You Thin" program on TLC and tapped along (EFT) with him to shift my emotional eating patterns--my eating has always been emotionally based (you can watch and follow along with the EFT videos on his site).
Suddenly, now, when I overeat, I feel horribly nauseous. I don't know of anything I've done to cause that, except to trust my Spirit to do what is needed. Oh, yeah--I did turn over the whole thing--surrendered the weight and the struggle--to my Spirit. I guess that would be the shift, huh?!
Anyway, we shall see how it goes. I really had no idea I had lost any weight at all. What a thrilling surprise! Because however much some part of me wanted to be fat, there is now a desire to be really healthy. Do you think this may be yet another part of re-learning to honor mySelf? I do.
I went to my "chiropractor plus" Friday, and after the last few Good Fridays, he checked me to see if I was okay with it being Good Friday, and I checked out totally clear. I knew I would--I could just tell--but he wanted to muscle test me about it anyway. If you haven't read the entries from Easters past, you may find the ones from 2005 and 2006 to be somewhat interesting...
Rick and I are having a peaceful weekend. The NCAA Basketball Tournament has been running in the background when it's been on. I've been particularly enjoying watching the games taking place in Raleigh at the RBC center since it's in my favorite area of Raleigh--very near where I used to live--and helps me feel a little like I'm home. UNC is playing right now and for whatever reason, CBS is choosing to show other games instead, much to our chagrin (but it IS giving me the chance to blog!). Rick is a big UNC fan, having been born on the campus, and I'm a fan by default. My family is split--one sister and her husband graduated from Duke, and the other sister graduated from UNC, as did my nephew. My other nephew and my niece graduated from Wake Forest Univ., and a lot of the family lives in Raleigh, home of NC State, so we've got the ACC basically covered. Basketball is HUGE in North Carolina.
ANYWAY, I decided to make a lemon meringue pie to celebrate the holiday, and so spent quite awhile this afternoon on that project. The recipe says it takes 30 minutes to prepare, but I must be extra slow because, including baking the crust, I spent about 2 hours on it what with the lemon zesting and egg-yolk tempering and so on. I am hopeful, but the meringue isn't very high even though I whipped it to the stiff-peak stage and even used extra egg white. It must be the altitude or something...or, perhaps, the egg whites didn't like the sugar substitutes I used. I used lo han sweetener and erythritol (my trade for the xylitol that threatened to kill Lilah) because I just don't like what sugar does to me anymore. But I bet it will be good anyway.
I was extremely touched to have received "povitica" from my dear friend, Andrena, who made the traditional yeast bread from scratch and mailed it to me from her home near New Orleans. It is, apparently, quite a production, involving rolling out vast amounts of dough, then sprinkling with chopped walnuts and other goodies, and rolling it up to fit into a loaf pan and baking. You slice it like bread and when you do, it reveals lots and lots of spiraled thin layers, like a super-fine jellyroll. Yum. It's sweet--but not very--and just plain addictive. It's an old Croatian specialty that Andrena learned from her grandmother, and I am so honored she made it for me! I froze half of it since I've been looking to stop the runaway weight gain (and have been successful lately), but the way Rick and I have been hitting on it, I may need to thaw the other half soon!
Jill Bolte Taylor: My Stroke of Insight
Amazing, huh? What she describes is so much like the experience of cosmic consciousness I had in Switzerland when I raised my vibrational frequency so high through listening to and following my Spirit with impeccability. If you haven't read about that yet, here's a link to the intro to Recreating Eden. The story starts some pages into the chapter.
More soon! Meanwhile, I'm going to do as my friend Fritz recommends and "celebrate small changes." One of them is keeping my commitment to going to bed when I said I would (moving toward an earlier bedtime on a regular basis but you gotta start somewhere) and a new sense of inner control about eating over the last week. So--hooray for me!!! I'm celebrating these small--but large--changes I've made!
Now, honestly--I don't know where this sudden trend toward focusing on the Self came from. It wasn't so much from my thinking about it and studying it. I mean--I was just playing around, composing what I thought might end up being something for a poster. It was just flowing out of me, so I cooperated and typed as the words came. The first part of it went like this:
- What if you trusted your own energy flow and simply did what felt good and fun and right for you?
- What if you dropped all the shoulds and ought-tos and listened to your own energy for the cues of what to do--or not do?
- What if you knew that when you were true to your own energy, whatever you did would not only prosper you, but everyone and everything else as well?
- What if you could totally trust Life to support you completely as long as you stayed truly true to yourSelf?
And, in the midst of this, I realized that because Stepdaughter #1 is performing with her college jazz group at a local jazz club on the last Tuesday of the month and I wanted to go, if I were going to do a teleseminar this month, it would need to be on March 18 (which is today, but at the time, it was next week). Yikes I needed to jump on it and get it up on the website! But what would be the topic? Ha! I could use what I had just written and call the seminar "The Power of Being True to You"! . So that's what I did. Bing bang boom. And the above "What if"s became the description. It all fell into place with such ease.
Then, the other day when I was getting ready to put together today's mailing for the teleseminar, the voice within said, "Are you sure you don't want to offer a class and go ahead and advertise it?" I just loved the 2 classes I did in Feb. and Mar., but had decided not to do more till Sept. because I knew I wasn't the only one who'd want to be outdoors this Spring and Summer and not committed to a class. But I was getting the message that offering a class was the thing to do. So I found myself writing a class description for a class called "Putting Your Self First."
Someone from the class that just finished--"Becoming Your Self" (there it is again!)--suggested that using the word "honor" in conjunction with Self would be helpful. She was right. Ever since she said that, I have been feeling that the concept of honoring the Self is the direction I'm going. (By the way, the Self is the highest vibrational You--your Spirit with an Earth-suit on.)
I think this may be what is developing from my intention to help us recover trust in our innate wisdom that I talked about in my blog entry "We can trust ourselves" from November 11, 2007. I never figured out how that was going to look, but it seems my Self has a plan and is guiding me gently to fulfill it!
Because I don't ordinarily allow myself products made from white flour and sugar, and because I'm a carb addict, it was an opportunity to feed my inner child's (and my candida's!) cravings and I sure did! It's interesting after you haven't had that particular kind of toxin in awhile how it seems to really pack a wallop. I was trying to have a conversation with Tony, our webmaster, today and I felt like I my head was packed with cotton. I couldn't remember something from 2 weeks ago that I thought I ought to be able to.
The last meeting of the Becoming Your Self course is tonight, and one of the things we'll be covering is "How do you sabotage your conscious relationship with your Self--where do you find ways to hold yourself at lower frequency?" and the vital importance of not getting caught up in abusing yourself further by self-punishment, etc. So, it's interesting to have presented myself with the challenge, today, of having done exactly that (done something to keep me at lower frequency and out of an awareness of being in touch with my Self).
I'm happy to report, however, that I have not beat myself up about it. I have managed to stay neutral, and I can feel my vibration rising. Heck--I loved every bite of that rich, fudgy cake, and if I now get all mad at myself for it, I'll not only lower my frequency further, I'll make myself feel horrible with guilt in a few weeks when the next birthday celebration comes and I find myself eating cake again! I have decided that if you're going to do something, do it without guilt. I'm convinced that the guilt is more damaging than the original "sin." Birthday cake is one of the great pleasures of Earth-life, of duality, and it may just be one of my last holdouts. Someday, the day will come when I find I am just not interested in it, but for now, it still holds quite an allure.
Our instructor assigned us the task of writing a children's story about where the hour went that we "lost" when the changeover occurred. I wish I could clearly recall the story I came up with, but I do remember that the gist of it was that it was launched into orbit in outer space, to swoop back to Earth in October when we resumed Standard Time. My favorite, however, was the story someone else in the class came up with. She postulated that we swallowed the hour and stored it till autumn when we then brought it up and used it, kind of like stored food or something. It just seemed to describe how "losing" an hour feels.
Last night, I had fallen asleep on the daybed with the TV on, and slept for quite awhile. Of course, when I got up, I was energized, and didn't immediately go to bed. I was at the computer surfing somewhat aimlessly, when I noticed the computer clock: 3:17! Holy moly! I had completely forgotten about the time change, which is several weeks earlier than usual this year. And even 2:17 was stretching it for a time I wanted to retire by. So I hustled myself to bed and lay there, willing myself to sleep, which of course, did nothing for my actually falling asleep. So today, I'm acutely feeling that swallowed-the-hour thing. I suspect there's nap in my near future...
All in all, though, I do love Daylight Saving Time. Being a night owl, it really suits me. Rick, on the other hand, being a morning lark, has to endure it getting light later so that he has to rise in the dark to get ready for work, and midsummer, often goes to bed before it's dark outside. Staying light longer is not as useful now, when it's still cold out, but come garden season, I won't mind that I had a little time-change indigestion for the opportunity to have extra hours to play outside!
I'm not sure how I'm going to get this blog entry finished--I'm yawning to beat the band and I may just slump over asleep any second now. But I've been delinquent in blogging and I pledged to get an entry posted before the day was through.
Yesterday was a perfectly gorgeous Spring-like day with sunshine and 74 degrees. Today was gray, cold, blustery, and snowing, snowing, snowing. Southern girl that I am, I was none--too-pleased at the prospect of going out in it, but Stepdaughter #1 had a choral concert this afternoon at University of Denver, so I didn't indulge and stay home--I went to the concert.
Fortunately, the concert hall, which is about as fancy as any I've ever seen, with heaven-knows-how-many dollars having been poured into it, has super comfortable seats--we sat on the 3rd floor in the upholstered arm chairs they have lining the perimeter of the balcony--quite uptown. The best part is that we were the only ones on that level and our seats turned out to be exactly facing our girl for a perfect view. I had managed to open a door that we figured out had been supposed to be locked, and got in early, so we had the catbirds' seat(s). Very cool.
I have found myself very out of touch this weekend with what it is I'm normally so passionate about. I have felt really disconnected from higher truth and spirituality in general. Instead of freaking out, I'm just assuming that this is just a more pronounced experience of the standard cyclical thing. Instead of letting myself get upset about it, I have been pleased at how relaxed I've managed to stay even though it feels very strange. I think with attunements, both of the classes, and the teleseminar last week, I just burned myself out a bit. I loved being at such high frequency for so much of the time, but I think my ego self is just letting me know it needs equal time! I feel sure I'll be back in the groove tomorrow--I am doing an attunement and those always do the job!
It's sort of like the Spring-like day and then the deep winter again.