Mixed feelings

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I find myself in a strange space this morning. I don't mean the clinic--it's not strange at all. It's become home to me. Not, obviously, my primary home, but a place that is now so familiar as to feel like home--the sights, the sounds, the nurturing, the atmosphere. That's really one of the roots of the strange feeling, I believe. Tomorrow is my last full day here, and I leave early a.m. Thursday for NYC and then Denver after an overnight in Manhattan. I'm so ready to leave, and yet, I never want to leave!

I've accomplished so much here. I've dropped a lot of my excess baggage, both body weight, a lot of pain, and just miscellaneous accumulated emotional "stuff" that came with me. But I feel I still have a long way to go. So it's not just the familiarity that has me sad to leave, it's the feeling that if I'd had more time here out of the stream of my everyday life--more time to fast and heal--perhaps....

I find myself wanting to judge and blame myself for not getting more done while here: more healing, more weightloss, more clarifying, more appreciating, and on and on. I spent the first 2 weeks here in a fog, and I seem to want to punish myself for not being more present. But I know that's just the Difficult World Dictator doing his best to detract from what I have experienced and accomplished here and what I'll experience in the next couple of days. I haven't left yet!

I know it will be wonderful to see Rick and the dogs again. Rick has been a trooper, but he is not eager to have me stay away this long again anytime soon! And neither will the pups be. I will be so happy for Roly, especially, to see me. As a rescue dog who got passed around a lot as a puppy, he especially doesn't like it when the status quo at home is disturbed. Heck, he doesn't even like it when I go to the bathroom and shut the door! (I don't know where he thinks the secret escape route is in my bathroom, but seems he's always afraid I'll use it!) Rick's been telling him what's going on all along, "She's coming home--just not today," but I don't know if he's received the message!

Anyway, I'll be leaving from the Malaga Airport going to Madrid, where I'll board a plane for NYC. I have a layover there Thurs. night and then Friday, I'll have lunch with Tara Cibelli of St. Martin's Press, who is the marketing manager for Choosing Easy World, before heading to Denver, via Dallas. It's kind of a protracted journey back, but perhaps the Universe just knows that a gradual re-entry will be most effective.

I'll be posting photos from here once I get home. I've been taking pictures, but the software on my computer is for our newer camera and I have the old one, so haven't been able to upload. Till then...


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About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Julia published on January 5, 2010 1:40 AM.

I look fabulous--but you don't want to smell my breath! was the previous entry in this blog.

I've returned--sort of is the next entry in this blog.

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